Finding Hope: Chapter 4

   After Connor had left, I decided to pay a visit to someone special, someone I hadn't talked to in a while.
   I opened the tall wooden doors to the beautiful chapel. I walked inside, genuflected, and knelt down in one of the pews.
   I made the sign of the cross and began to pray, "Dear God, what is my purpose here on earth? Why does Connor have cancer? You made these things possible, but why? Is it because of me? Am I the reason he has brain cancer? If so, please tell me why. I need to know the truth. Hail Mary..." I began to pray the Hail Mary quietly.
   After I was done, I made the sign of the cross again and looked around the chapel. I saw an old man and a woman, supposedly a husband and wife in the front pew, I saw a middle aged woman with her eyes closed deep in prayer, and a priest. The priest was at the altar folding the linen cloths and putting them away.
   I sat there for a moment pondering my prayer to God, what I just said to Him. I checked my watch and I had been there for a half an hour. It didn't seem like it, but it was. So I stood up, genuflected, and left the chapel.
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   Nights I cried myself to sleep thinking of the terrible things that might happen to Connor. The horrible nightmares awaking me with sweat, tears, and anger. I can't help but feel that Connor is sick... he's sick because of me. I wasn't the cause of his cancer, I know, but it feels like that.
   School was the worst. Every time I passed by... sympathy flashed through the eyes of people I have never talked to. Sympathy. I began to hate the word.
   I never talked to Connor about what happened at school. He was homeschooled now, so I barely saw him. I saw him only on the weekends, and the week if I was lucky.
   I never told him how I really felt about him. Not once. Maybe not ever... but I was going to before he goes...
   Soon enough it was Christmas. Everyone started asking me what I wanted, but I didn't want anything. I secretly wanted something that no one could give me... Hope.
   "So what do you want for Christmas?" Connor asked me one day when I came to visit him.
   Oh no, what was I supposed to say? "Nothing really," I just said.
   "Oh, me neither," he responded.
   His mom came in just then and said, "You guys want some snacks?" We both shook our heads surprising each other, "We're fine mom," She nodded and walked away.
   There was silence, then... laughter.
   We laughed for about five minutes. "Why are we laughing?" I asked cracking up.
   "I have no clue!"
   When we stopped, I wish we didn't. That was the first time in over a year I had laughed. It felt good. Really good. I wish it could've gone on forever.
   Then Connor asked me a serious question, "Do you love me?"
   My heart beat like a drum. He never asked me such a serious question before in my life. We were always joking around and playing war with toy guns and swords. No question ever came up like that before. I didn't know what to say. Did I love him? Did I really?
   "I... um... Do... do you love me?" I shouldn't have repeated the question, but I had to know if he loved me or not.
   "Yes. You've been my best friend for so long. I don't know what I'd do without you, Mads. At night I dream about you. If I lost you, if I couldn't see you anymore... I love you Mads,"
   I didn't look at him, if I did I would start crying.
   "Please, say something," Connor sounded desperate, but also affectionate and caring, like he always was.
   I finally got enough courage to say, "You mean a lot to me too. I should have told you before, but I was just scared... until now, I love you Connor,"
   He smiled a little. "Now I know how you really feel about me. You know what hurts most about this cancer?"
   I shook my head, "What?"
   "Knowing that I won't be with you anymore. That's the reason that I loved you for so many years," I saw sadness in his eyes.
   I looked down, "Exactly how I feel."
   We didn't say anything for a while and then I said, "I should get home, it's late,"
   We stood up and I opened the door to walk about, but before I could even step outside, Connor grabbed my shoulder, turned me around, and kissed my cheek. I glowed inside. He said, "Goodnight."